Advice for President Obama
06 July 2009By Michele A. Berdy
Dear President Obama,
Welcome to Moscow!
We expats are delighted that you’ve come for a visit and wanted to give you a
few tips for negotiating the city, your hosts and those tricky arms treaties.
First, as you zip around the city at approximately 200 kilometers an hour,
you’ll notice that the streets are packed with millions of parked cars. These
are actually vehicles filled with frustrated drivers stuck in
пробки
(traffic jams; literally “corks”).
On a good day, the traffic in Moscow is horrendous. During your visit, it’s
frankly going to be a friggin’ nightmare. To generate good will, the first thing
you should say at every meeting, interview and speaking engagement is:
Приношу свои извинения за пробки
(I’m terribly sorry about the traffic jams).
Then you need to know how to address your host … er, hosts … er, host. Whatever.
“Putin” is easy to pronounce, but “Medvedev” is a mouthful for English speakers.
Happily, you can avoid their last names and address them as
господин президент
(Mr. President) and
господин премьер-министр
(Mr. Prime Minister). If you’re not sure who’s in charge, don’t worry: No one
here knows either. If you wind up in the same room with them, you might look in
their general direction and address your comments to
господа
(gentlemen).
Here in Moscow, it’s hard to tell which official statements are: for internal
consumption and can be ignored; for external consumption and should be noted; or
blurted out on a bad hair day. So who knows what you’ll hear at the negotiating
table. Heck, for all I know, you guys just crack open a couple of beers, kick
back and get down to some good-natured horse-trading.
But you might hear the oft-repeated phrase,
мы встали с колен
(We’ve gotten up off our knees) as if Russians had crawled their way through the
1990s. I recall those years well, and I don’t remember anyone on their knees in
humiliation. To the contrary, at the time, they were impressed by the aid we
were giving them, especially considering that they still had all their nukes
pointed at us. In any case, we gave billions to them so they could get on their
feet, and now they say they are — so we’re copacetic, right?
проехали
(Moving right along … )
Another theme is:
Нас окружают враги
(We’re surrounded by enemies). This one’s easy. If it comes up, just ask:
Есть у вас карта?
(Have you got a map?) Then you show them that their country is one-seventh of
the world’s land mass. Nothing surrounds it. In fact, nothing and no one could
ever surround it.
Нет проблем!
(No problem!)
This treaty stuff is a snap.
A more serious problem is the Russian image of Americans. On the one hand, we
are all-powerful and personally responsible for every crime, natural disaster,
economic problem, riot, coup and war anywhere on Earth. On the other hand, we’re
the stupidest people who ever lived. True, the latter image is the United
States’ fault. Whose idea, after all, was it to make “Dumb and Dumber” an
international release?
In any case, you might hear yourself referred to as
ПП - президент Пиндостана
(PP, the President of Pindostan). Pindostan is the home of
пиндосы
(the pindos), a slang word for Americans that is rich with obscene and comical
overtones. But don’t take it personally. The original meaning of the word is a
pony from the Pindos mountain range. Take the high road and say:
Спасибо за комплимент! Эти пони смелые и выносливые, хотя порой излишне упрямые
- как американцы.
(Thanks for the compliment! These ponies are brave and sturdy, although
sometimes too stubborn — like Americans.)
Finally, you should know the word
регистрация,
translated as “visa registration” or “the bane of expats’ existence.” This is
the process by which foreigners register, deregister, and reregister their visas
approximately every five minutes. I know the registration system is Russia’s
internal affair and you can’t meddle, but please, can’t you trade something to
get us exempt? How about giving them back part of Alaska? Or canceling plans to
deploy missile defense? Believe me, it’s worth it.
If you have any other questions, just ask us expats. In the meantime, we hope
you enjoy our magnificent adopted city.
Michele A. Berdy is a Moscow-based translator and interpreter.