The Life of a Russian Tsar Is No Sinecure
By Maxim KononenkoMonday, November 1, 2004. Page 8.
One fine day, while strolling through the Kremlin's long corridors, Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin bumped into Pavel Pavlovich Borodin, secretary of the Russia-Belarus Union. "Pal Palych!" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ exclaimed joyfully and opened his arms in a presidential embrace. "My man!"
Pavel Pavlovich stopped in his tracks, stretched himself to his full height, and began piously crossing himself. "Father ..." Pavel Pavlovich whispered, "Your Honor ... Your Majesty, Your ..."
"What's up with you, chum?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ asked, somewhat taken aback. "You're not in Minsk now, chill out ..."
"Verily," Pavel Pavlovich whispered and continued to cross himself, "I, with all my body ..."
"Steady," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ said, taking a step back from Pavel Pavlovich. "I am the president, after all ..."
"You are not the president!" Pavel Pavlovich said, trembling. "You're the tsar! Only tsars rule in Russia! Your power is God-given! We, we really must conduct a referendum!"
"What referendum are you talking about now?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ asked, perplexed. "You've completely lost the plot."
Vladimir Vladimirovich™ sighed, carefully passed Pavel Pavlovich and continued on down the corridor.
"Although," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ muttered to himself, "I would go nuts myself. Imagine being in charge of something that doesn't exist. Enough to drive anyone around the bend."
One day, Vladimir Vladimirovich™ called Valentina Ivanovna Matviyenko, governor of St. Petersburg. "Hey, sister!" said Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "How are things with you?"
"We've got our noses to the grindstone from morning until night here," Valentina Ivanovna replied. "I leave home at 8 a.m. and never get back before 11 p.m. No weekends, no nothing."
"I hear you," said Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "I haven't exactly got it easy myself."
"What's up with you, Vladimir Vladimirovich™?" Valentina Ivanovna asked, sounding concerned.
"The regional governors have forced my hand," confessed Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "They come to me in droves and beg me to save them from popular elections! This has been going on for three whole years now."
"What a nightmare!" exclaimed Valentina Ivanovna. "Although I can understand that anyone who has been through the hell of an election would not want to have to go through that again -- not for anything in the world. It's such big money! It's become a real business. Personally, I could do without having to run for re-election. What if I were to lose? Whereas if you were to appoint governors, the whole thing would be taken care of ..."
"Oh, all right." said Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "We'll come up with something. I'm actually calling you to ask for some advice."
"How can I help Vladimir Vladimirovich™?" Valentina Ivanovna said enthusiastically.
"What do you reckon?" said Vladimir Vladimirovich™. "Does a parliamentary system suit us?"
"No!" Valentina Ivanovna immediately exclaimed. "We are not suited to such a system. We're not ready to undergo such an experiment! The Russian mentality calls for a master, a tsar, a president. In short, undivided authority."
"That's just what Pal Palych Borodin has been telling me," murmured Vladimir Vladimirovich™, and hung up the phone.
Maxim Kononenko's satirical vignettes are found on his web site, www.vladimir.vladimirovich.ru